Someone showed concern that my children are missing out and sacrificing or getting hurt in order for me to follow my passion. My children do sacrifice. They don't just sacrifice for me to follow my passion. They sacrifice for a greater cause...to help others. I personally believe this a great life lesson and I am proud to be teaching this to my kids at a young age. I do believe that my kids are benefiting so much from these experiences. Not only that, but 15 other children have also benefited from us so far and I hope that someday, that number will be much higher. Besides, if you ask my kids what they think about having all these kids in our home, they will tell you that they love it and are excited every time we get the call for another placement. I am not sure that my children will benefit from the experience of every child who walks through our home. I am not sure what they might learn from watching a child scream in my face and hit me and punch a hole in my wall. Maybe, they will benefit by learning from these bad experiences. Or, maybe my critics are right, maybe they might not benefit from every situation. They also might not benefit from everyday at school(where they might get bullied), or from every time they go outside(they might pick up a virus), or certainly from every television episode(well, that is obvious), or from having cell phones(they might not have good communication skills), from learning to drive(they might get in an accident), from joining sports(they might get injured or have a coach who teaches them things they shouldn't) etc, etc. I don't know of any life experience or decision that is guaranteed to only bring about good experiences. Truth is we all make judgments in the best interest of our children and they don't always turn out the way we want them to. So yes, I am aware that my children might have negative experiences with fostering as well. However, my husband and I have made a decision for our family that we feel is overall in the best interest of all involved. Yes, I do give a lot of attention to the foster children, yes that takes away from time I spend with my children, and yes I am proud that I am teaching my children that the world does not revolve around them. Don't get me wrong, I love spending time with my children and I would love to have even more time with them but I know that I am so blessed that I only have to work part time so that I get to have more time with them than many parents do. My children are learning about sharing on a much bigger level than just sharing their toys. They are sharing their rooms, their beds, their home, their parents, and their love. They are learning compassion on a level that many adults have yet to learn. I suppose if I went with the philosophy that we should only give our attention to our children, then for starters no one should have more than one child because a second would take away the attention from the first one and we should all have earned enough money to raise that child before we have it so that our careers didn't take away attention from that child either.
Someone showed concern that I would consider to adopt a special needs child. I can only pray for these people that their heart will someday know how to love without boundaries. Or maybe, it is a curse, I don't know. I know that I don't have to grow a child in my womb to feel a mothers love. I can also grow a child in my heart. That doesn't make them any less mine or any less wanted than a child who grew in my womb. I have come to love a child with special needs and yes it scares me to death in some ways. While I totally accept and appreciate any advice that anyone has to offer on that, to tell me that you could parent a special needs child if it was your own, but that you would never choose to raise one is not helpful advice. It is one thing to acknowledge your own selfishness, but to share it in such a manner to criticize me for not sharing in that selfishness and to attempt to convince me that I am wrong for being unselfish is just sad. Yes, I know it would be a very difficult road ahead. I trust that God will help us make the right decision and help us down that difficult road.
Someone expressed an opinion that taking in children of color was not a good idea. This person claimed to be a follower of Jesus Christ. A song comes to mind about the Jesus I learned about when I was a little kid. Jesus loves the little children,
All the children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
All are precious in His sight.
Jesus loves the little children of the world.
Red and yellow, black and white,
All are precious in His sight.
Jesus loves the little children of the world.
My friendships in life are admittedly not very diverse. I have lived a sheltered life in that aspect. I tend to get to know people who are very much like me, which is great. But I am excited to have my children learning acceptance and diversity from a young age.
Someone told me that I should take a break from fostering because I have a full plate. Thank you for that advice, although it my have been more helpful if you would have offered prayers or help to me. I did considered that advice. I do have a full plate. Taking a break from fostering isn't going to solve my life problems though. It would give me more time to wallow in them. Not sure how that would be helpful. I am actually pretty proud that I can continue to think about others even when I have a full plate. I like my full plate. Someone needs to help these children and their parents who are currently unable to take care of them, and I am ecstatic that it gets to be me. If I quit fostering, there are still plenty of other foster parents to do the job, right? Wrong. Most foster parents have a full plate as do most people in life. In one aspect or another, many people find themselves at an inadequate time in life to be able to step up to this difficult job. If I and everyone else that has a full plate would quit fostering, then maybe all that would be left is the people who do it for the wrong reasons. I am not ok with that. If I can provide these children with a good home, then why wouldn't I? So, if I step down, who of you are going to step up? Anyone? I have made a difference in the life of a child(and in the life of all of our futures) who wasn't of my flesh. That is one of my greatest accomplishments. I wish for all of you to have an accomplishment so great.
Many people are quick to judge the bio parents of the children we take in, and while I sometimes catch myself also being very angry at how they have hurt their children, I have to remember something. Sometimes, bio parents themselves are children or even adults who grew up in a rough world with a rough hand in life and never really learned how to be good parents. Sometimes, they just don't have any support or any money, or they have mentall illness or other issues that prevent them from being able to properly parent. They are not all bad people who deserve to lose their children or go to jail. Sometimes, they just need some help too. Often, as foster parents, we also become support for the bio parents. We model good parenting for them and help them when they have questions. From our experience, most of them love their children, they just don't know how to appropriately show their love.
Someone showed concern that I am wasting my life and giving up my freedom. My initial response was "No worries, I am not". However, this concern is really not answered that easily. Yeah-In some ways I am giving up my life. I admit that sometimes I wish I had more time to myself and more time alone with my husband, more time to take vacations with my kids. Sometimes, I get tired of all the appointments and all the running around. But if this is what giving up my life really means, to help someone else just to be able to live their life, then it is worth it to me. Life doesn't revolve around me, it was never meant to. Succeeding in life to me is not about how much I can do for myself or how much junk I can accumulate, or going on expensive vacations. My true joys come from helping others. The best answer I have to this is with my favorite poem and I will insert that here.
One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed
a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.
Approaching the boy, he asked, What are you doing?
The youth replied, Throwing starfish back into the ocean.
The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them back, they'll die.
Son,the man said, don't you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish?
You can't make a difference!
After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish,
and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said
I made a difference for that one.
I made a difference for that one.
Someone asked how I will ever give M back if the judge decides that is in her best interest. Well, here is where my answers end. I don't know. I don't have an answer for you. I knew going into this that the plan was reunification with the bio parent. That doesn't keep us from falling in love with a child. I will trust in the Lord and have faith and somehow I will make it through it. My heart will ache for sure, but it's not about me, it's about her. My job is to help M as long as she is in our home. Essentially that is everyone of our jobs when we take a child into our home. Every child, birthed or not, is a gift from God given to us as a loan, given to us to take care of how ever long God wants us to. Unfortunately, there is never a guarantee how long we will get to keep them. If I may offer advice, when someone looses a child for what ever reason, you do not tell them "I told you so" or "You knew this was a possibility when you went into this"' but rather offer a hug and some compassion.
Every foster parent undergoes a lot of scrutiny. In our preparation classes to become foster parents, we were told "It is not if you will undergo an investigation, but when you will undergo an investigation." Because, these children who we take into our homes are sometimes very confused and will make false reports against you. We went through one of these investigations. It about tore us apart to see a child we struggled to help, trying to hurt us. But then a few weeks ago, we had the doctor of M tell us, "I know one thing for sure, that I can say with 100% certainly that M is only as good as she is because of you". That is why we keep pulling through when times get tough, because these kids need someone, they need us. Today, our 22 year old foster child who has been on her own since leaving our home called to tell me of her new accomplishments. What a wonderful feeling, we may not be her blood family, but we are her family, the ones she calls to share her troubles and successes with. Another foster child who went home after 17 months with us recently found me on facebook and told me that she missed us and asked if she could get together with us. She was one that definitely made us wander if we were cut out for fostering, and now she has reassured us that we totally are!
Now, for every one critic we have, we have had way more praises and compliments for what we do. And we do appreciate every one of them. Many have told us how special we are and how lucky the children are that come through our home and praise us for helping God to do his work. Sometimes, when times are tough, those reminders help to get us through. But I must share with you, that the persons who have benefited the most from what we do, is us! Because, even in our age, we have learned and grown and loved in leaps and bounds the past 5 years. It's a hard job, full of disappointments and sadness and hurt and heartache AND joy and love and smiles and achievements and growth. We are so lucky that God chose us to grow with these beautiful children and to be the ones there to help them grow. For you see, the more love one gives, the more love one has. We do appreciate all of your support, because like most parents,we too need help sometimes. Thank you for all of your concern and advice and interest in this journey, know that in the end, Mark and I will make our choices together with God's help.
Foster care is definitely not always glamorous. We have to follow state rules, county rules, and private agency rules, which matter of factly, can plain suck. Kids come into our home and we work 24/7 to try to "fix" them and then as soon as we see them getting better, we have to give them back to the parents who "broke" them and then sometimes get to watch them slowly go back down hill. This is not a job for the weak, but it is quite wonderful none the less.
